Dear Seventeen Year Old Me...

So last year I was eighteen and I wrote a letter to my sixteen year old self. You can read it here.
This year I am nineteen and thus am writing a letter to my seventeen year old self.

As background context: Seventeen was my last year of high school. Seventeen was the year my father passed away. Seventeen was a rough year for a number of reasons.

Dear 17 year old me,

First thing's first. No more scars, honey. You're done with that. You know you're done with that. For the most part you're gonna do pretty well but don't let yourself fall back into old habits. You're stronger than that, strong enough to ask for help and to accept it.

This coming year is going to be rough. It will be harder than anything you've ever experienced. You will come to understand the true meaning of the words 'pain' and 'grief'. You will come to understand that pain demands to be felt. You will come to understand that sharp blades and running away won't help, that some things you jut have to push through.

While we're on that subject, running away is a stupid idea. You can't sleep up a tree. You're scared of spiders and still a little bit scared of the dark (and quite rightly too. Keep it that way). It's not going to end well for you (although you will look back on it and laugh).

Never give up. You're brave, you're strong, and you've made it this far. You're going to make it even further, but you've gotta keep going. Don't sit down. Don't stand still. Keep moving, keep fighting for yourself and your beliefs.

Believe in yourself. I mean it. I know you're overwhelmed. I know you're drowning. I know you don't like yourself at all. I know you blame yourself for a lot of things that aren't your fault, but you've got to let it go, honey, you've got to stand up for who you are and what you want. Be assertive. It gets easier with practise. Maybe if you start now you'll be super good at it by the time you're my age.

Don't take your friends and family for granted. Call them. Make an effort to spend time with them. Relationships take work and the sooner you figure this out the better your relationships will be.

Work hard in school. I know that for a long time, just getting out of bed and pretending to smile is going to feel like it's enough of an achievement, and I know that, if you were to read this, my voice would be lost amongst all the others telling you the same thing, but the sad fact of the matter is that even though you're falling apart, even though your world is imploding, life goes on. And you have to go on with it or you'll get left behind.

There are going to be a lot of black days, sunshine. Just do your best. Yes, you could be doing worse, and yes, you could be doing better, but take the time to pat yourself on the back for the fact that you're doing anything at all.

Be grateful. You're bad at that, but you'll get better. Start now.

Keep writing, whatever you do. It's valuable and it's therapeutic to boot. You're going to wish you wrote more during the dark times. Write as much as you can and FOR GOODNESS SAKE WRITE THE DATE ON IT!

Presuming that you don't take any of my advice (you won't, I know you), you're going to make some pretty awful decisions in the next couple of years. You're going to compromise yourself and your values and you're going to have a lot of regrets. I wish I could tell you not to do it. It wasn't worth it. It isn't worth it.

At the same time, nothing is unforgivable. Remember this. Always.

What else? Well, singing Christmas Carols in July probably isn't the best idea. Don't share drinks, you'll end up with a tummy bug on your eighteenth birthday. Not fun.

Let's talk about faith for a minute. Faith is a bit of a foreign concept to you at the moment. You still believe in something but you're not sure whether you think God is indifferent or just a sadist. He is neither. He loves you fully even though you don't feel it right now. Even though you don't feel like you deserve it right now. The sooner you find you faith again, the better. The church is true. Remember the signs. The voice telling you to go to church that first time. The butterflies on your baptism day. Your testimony is stronger than you think and it's only going to grow.

Don't shun God and religion because of bad experiences. Life is a school and you're here to learn, and sometimes (well, it is you, so most of the time really) you're going to have to learn it the hard way. Don't begrudge yourself the chance to learn and grow from the pain and anger. Move on. Let go.

You've got a long way to go, sunshine, but you're going to be okay. Keep your head up. I love you, and so do a lot of other people. Let them.

Be brave, little one.
Love,
Jessica Howatson, aged 19

Dear sixteen year old me...

 So, yesterday I was shown this video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_4jgUcxMezM, which is basically people with melanoma talking to their sixteen year old selves. So now, without too much further ado, here is a letter from my 18 year old self to my 16 year old self.

Before we start, I just want to say I have no idea how this is going to turn out. It might be funny, it might be hard, it might be downright painful. But I'm going to write it, and you're welcome to read it.

Dear 16 year old me,
You are more beautiful than you know. Don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise. I say this though I know that in two years time you still won't believe me. But I believe that one day you will look in the mirror and see yourself the way other people see you.

Keep reading, and keep writing. Don't throw your writing out, and try not to let it turn into a crumpled mess at the bottom of your schoolbag. You're going to want that later.

Go easy on yourself. You're in for a rough couple of years. People are going to hurt you and the last thing you need to do is hurt yourself. And I know better than anyone that old habits die hard. But you can and will overcome this. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.

I know that right now, you don't like yourself very much. You think you're a bad person and wonder how anyone could ever love you. But you need to know that you are loved more than you could ever believe, and that doing bad things sometimes does not mean you are a bad person. It means that, like everyone else, you are a good person that makes mistakes.

Believe in yourself. You have the ability. Don't miss the chance to show it. Apply yourself.

Take every opportunity you are offered.

Don't be afraid to ask for help. It is not a sign of weakness. In fact, it takes strength to acknowledge that you are struggling and to accept help when it is offered.

There are so many people that care about you and want to support you. Let them. You'll make it so much easier on yourself. Going it alone is no fun at all. Value the people who stand by you.

The darkness you feel, that isn't you. Let it go. Ask for help. Your deepest fear is that by losing the darkness you will lose yourself, but I promise you, you won't. You're much stronger than you think.

When I look back over the last two years, the memories that stand out most are the painful ones. So, you're gonna have to be strong for a while. But you can get through this.

Here comes the part that's hardest to write. Treasure those people that matter to you. Tell them how much they mean to you. Say the things you're saving for later. Don't wait until tomorrow, because one day tomorrow will be too late. Tell your friends you love them. Thank your teachers.

Appreciate your home, and the people there. You don't know what you've got until it's gone but the more you find joy in things, the more happy memories you create. Create joyous memories there.

Go easy on your father. He loves you more than you will ever know. Hug him and tell him you love him. Do the dishes. CLEAN YOUR ROOM. Tell him how much you appreciate everything he does for you. Cook him dinner. Tell him you're proud to call him your Dad while you still have the chance.

Go home for his birthday. Just trust me on this one. You'll regret it if you don't.

And be nicer to the cat.

Don't take chemistry in year 13. Focus more in calculus. Enjoy yourself. Study during study periods.

Don't be afraid to stand up for what you believe in.

There are tough times ahead for you, but you're strong, and you're brave, and you're going to be fine. Things will turn out alright. You're doing well. I'm proud of you, and I'd like to think you'd be proud of me too.

Stay strong buddy,
Love,
Jessica Howatson, aged 18.
xoxox